Movie Review – The Shallows

Dear Studios, you could have made a brilliant, beautiful, modern shark classic and you decided to say “fuck it” and destroy any good faith you built up with the bulk of the movie. Let me explain how you fucked this one up.

Let’s start from the beginning, why? Did you really need a cold open? Here’s how it could have worked… no cold open, instead you should have posted that scene as a standalone short on YouTube to build hype instead of selling Blake Lively’s hot bod. Legitimately having this as an opener didn’t do shit other than start your film with a fucking jump scare. Way to be a fucking stereotype you lazy pieces of shit. Also, it makes no fucking sense how that little kid ended up watching the tape since the footage would have to have been constantly filmed for it to work. Way to fuck up the opening. Be grateful you already got the butts into the seats because they’re here for a ride not a straight horror joint.

Now I can respect having a set up just to sell the characters to us because lord have mercy subtlety is dead to you. Hell, half the shots are redundant because you love to show (good) then tell (bad). Your father character didn’t do shit. The entirety of his dialogue consists of set ups to make us “feel” for Blake Lively; whose whole characterization consists of goddamn bullet points. Here’s our fucking pre-med, surfer Grrrl with tattoos and a dead mother. Half of that shit was repeated ad nauseam for a half hour before shit gets awesome. Only once her character is in peril does this film actually shine. But first we got to have the obligatory skype call over her phone. Maybe the only half decent stylization that happens in this film is the use of screen representation. The phone call stuff was decent in the fact that you actually tried to make it look realistic while also keeping the cinematography decent and beautiful.


Once Lively is on the ocean, you somehow were able to keep up a competence not seen in any section of land throughout this work. The watch graphic works as a visual form helping heighten the tension throughout the scene. Goddamn is the bulk of this movie great as a pulpy fun shark flick. Hell, you guys gave Blake Lively a fucking sidekick. That’s both inspired and hilarious in a one two punch once the viewer realizes what you did. The colors, location, and shots work so well when you’re trying to build tension and create atmosphere. The final confrontation was fucking awesome and makes this movie great. Then you fucked it up on the dismount.

You had to add in so much unnecessary bullshit because you could barely make 88 minutes. I hope you realized how you fucked up making your cult film by pandering to the mass market. When the one year later appeared after your fade to black. I groaned. I had a little hope you didn’t just ruin the good faith. Then it was all sunshine and a goddamn fucking Sia ballad started up while the credits rolled. Fuck you.

See it on a cheap day or wait for it On Demand or your favorite streaming provider but put yourself in control and skip the first five minutes or so and cut it off once it fades to black. You’ll thank me on this one.

Leave a Reply